To Eat or Not to Eat

"I refuse to fill him up on nothing but snacks, even though he is a skinny-minny*!"

Now THAT's a smart woman.

Toddlers are exceedingly skilled at setting up -- and winning -- power struggles. The power struggle over food is so common as to be close to universal... and yet it is one that you absolutely don't have to lose. You can win it, and you can win it without pleading, coaxing ("Just one more bite, sweetie"), or tantrums. (Child or adult!)

The key is neatly summed up by Ellyn Satter, in her Division of Responsibility for Feeding:

Parents decide what, when, and where to eat.
The child decides how much, and (this is the tough part for many parents) even whether to eat.

You provide a variety of healthy food, in the setting of your choice, at times of your choosing. Your child eats it. Or not.

As Ellyn suggests, I put very small portions of a new food on a child's plate. A tablespoon, a teaspoon... a single pea. (Really. I have done that.) Ellyn suggests offering the suspect food often enough (15 - 20 times) that it becomes familiar and will eventually get eaten, to offer it along with other foods you know the child likes, and leave it up to the child when they brave that first bite. This is precisely what I do with children up to the age of two-ish.

After that? When the refusal to eat is nothing about food and everything about Power Struggles? Well, I'm sure Ellyn's method would work if all parties were applying it consistently, but when it becomes a power struggle, I confess my own impatience. I want this fixed, and I want it fixed quickly, and so my preference at this point is for a more streamlined approach.

When I present a new food to a two in the throes of the power struggle stage, though I do it (as Ellyn suggests) in a low-key, cheerful and matter-of-fact way, that new food will be all that is on the plate. The expectation is that the child will ingest that small portion of the new food before anything else is offered.

If they refuse, that's fine. They get to decide whether to eat, after all. "Okay, I guess you're not hungry," I chirp, and lift them down from the table. "Away you go and play."

Should they meander round when the next, potentially more appealing course appears, they will be welcomed back to the table. And be given that damned pea again. Yes, everyone else has macaroni and cheese now, and Mr/Ms "I'm Not Hungry" has the same tiny portion of That Suspect Food Which is Probably POISON.

It isn't very long before they realize that it's simpler just to try whatever it is, so they can move on to the Good Stuff. It probably won't happen the first time, and maybe not the second or third, but get there they will. And very often, once the Suspect Food makes it into the mouth, they discover it's NOT poison after all! (In fact, I'd go so far as to say they make this discovery EVERY time!!!)

That's how I do it, anyway. There are variations, all effective, but at the core of all successful parents, parents who end up with two- and three-year-olds who'll try just about anything... is the willingness to let their child choose NOT to eat.

Because hunger, it's a huge motivator. It won't hurt your child to choose to be hungry once in a while, but it will hurt them to learn that they can ward off hunger with a steady diet of white bread, raisins, and pasta.

And in letting your child choose not to eat, you are giving them control. (Ironic, isn't it, that in letting go of that particular power struggle, you are handing the reins of control over to the child!)

*Oh, and he's not skinny. He's just healthy. And maybe small-boned. :)